Pining For… Substance

Delightfully Maladjusted

Archive for the month “October, 2012”

Seriously?

Our kitty has become sick and needs to see the vet, only I have no idea where the money will come from to take her.  If I could have one thing going for me in my life that is not a complete disaster, well, that would be such a breath of much needed fresh air. I have done some research and I think she has some sort of skin ailment, and while she is not in pain per se, she is obsessively scratching, biting, and grooming.  But I can tell it is becoming more bothersome, and now a lump on her back by her tail. Lumps are never good, ever. I tried giving her a foam bath to see if that would help, but it didn’t. I know it must be uncomfortable for her and it just breaks my heart. We spent 2000 dollars on our previous kitty last year just to find out what was wrong with her, she ended up passing away. In her case there was nothing more we could do, as she had a terminal illness, but with our little Chloe, well this seems like something treatable–if we had the money to pay for care.

I hate this life. This broken life.

I don’t even know why I am blogging about this, I guess I just need somewhere to put all this frustration. I wish I was one of those types who liked to clean when they are angry, my place would be sparkling.

I am thinking of taking her to a vet and paying with a credit card. I’ve got to do something! Now I am just waiting for the car to break down, or some other insanely expensive thing to go wrong.

Sigh.

Can I please just fast forward to some other time in my life ( a happy part)?

 

Later that same day…

Well I spent our car payment at the vet, but kitty is okay! Turns out she had an allergic reaction to a flea most likely. I got her wormed, antibiotics, flea treatment and nails clipped- she is spiffy! She seems back to her relaxed and adorable self. 🙂

 

Time.

Time..

Time.

Another day, another rejection. I mark it off on my spreadsheet, bold red rejection. My spreadsheet grows each day, peppered with red rejection, 168 jobs applied to and counting. I just can’t take another day of feeling like a worthless biomass. A hard-knock survivor who fell for the “American Dream” nonsense, what was I thinking? I wasn’t. I was dreaming. But, who are dreams for? I was naive. And I am surprised by it, by how naive I was.

I get up, I piddle about, throwing a pile of laundry from one place to another. I feed my fish, I chitter-chatter with my kitty. I think about toxic friends. I think about getting dressed, about feeling together again. A productive member of society. The morning commute with its contagious rush of energy seeping through my car windows. That huge feeling of relief when the day is done and you sit in your car right after work for a few minutes. The feel of shoes, and how wearing them now feels restricting, like these foreign attachments. I think about cleaning my space. I should be doing that. I should be doing something. But I don’t want to. I just want peace again. Inner peace. I am not sure I ever had it, but I want it. I want to not hate myself or my circumstances. I want to accept my choices, rather than think about them bitterly, wanting to rip them to shreds and throw them in the wind or stuff them in a rusty can. I want to not think about my highway to misery and obsess over every turn, road block or speed trap I got caught up in on my journey. How did I get here? It doesn’t matter.

I cry in the shower, and I can still feel hot tears in the steam. But I have time. I turn on the radio, to my favorite station. Songs I like play in the background of my dark day. Music lifts me up just a bit. I open the curtains. Today there is this wispy, glowing energy coming through. I almost feel guilty for such lovely weather. Almost.

I make my way to the kitchen. I think about groceries. I think about my strategic plan to get us through until the next unemployment check with what we have here. Scale back, scale back. Grill cheese or an omelet? I go for the latter. One piece of ham, a bit of leeks, I am stingy today. Coffee, omelet, english muffin with butter and marmalade and a handful of frozen blackberries that melt deliciously on my tongue. I eat, with pleasure. Looking outside I see new blooms in my neglected little balcony garden. Depressed people don’t have gardens, it is too hard to be bitter there. The new buds make me angry sometimes and I just want to stomp them, but I never do.

The sun is shining and I eat my breakfast, it’s 3 o’clock. I’m taking back my light.

I may not have much, but I have time. And isn’t that everything? Isn’t that something to be jealous of? So, take that, self-hatred. Take that, rejection. Take that, depression. Take that, failure. Take that, loneliness. I have been kicked in the teeth by life, but while I am down here I am flaunting my time.

I have none of the demands of time, only the abundance of it to use freely.  I can think. I can write this. I can sleep until whenever I feel like it. I can savor my meals. I can eat breakfast at 3pm or have coffee at 2am. It’s mine and I am taking it and I make no apologies anymore.

Time is what I have going for me now. Maybe not tomorrow or yesterday. But today it is mine and I am keeping it- all of it- in a greedy grab for self-preservation.

The Falliest Fall Dinner Ever

The Falliest Fall Dinner Ever.

The Falliest Fall Dinner Ever

First dinner of the season. Give it a try, it was great.

Apple Butter Slow Cooked Pork with Butternut Squash

What you need for the Pork:

1 pork shoulder roast (the cheap cut actually works very well, but you could use loin or even thick chops too)

1/4 cup chicken broth

1/2 cup Smuckers Apple Butter

Dried sage 1/8 tsp or to taste

Dried tarragon 1/8 tsp or to taste

Salt & Pepper

Olive oil

1/4 cup sliced or chopped red onion

1/2 cup sliced fresh mushrooms

How to for the pork:

Line your crock pot with a slow cooker liner or spray it with PAM

Rub the pork roast down with a bit of olive oil

Season with Salt & Pepper to taste

Rub the roast down with a bit of dried sage and tarragon

Lastly rub the roast generously with apple butter

Once you place it in the slow cooker add a little more apple butter to the top of the roast and spread it out with a spoon

add 1/4 cup of broth

add onion and mushrooms to the slow cooker

cook on high setting for 4 hours or low for 6 hours

What you need for the squash:

1 large butternut squash

tablespoon butter, chopped in to several small chunks

olive oil, a drizzle

salt & pepper, to taste

ground cayenne pepper, to taste

cinnamon, couple shakes

brown sugar, 1/2 tsp

tarragon, couple shakes

chicken broth, 1/3 cup

How to for the squash:

Peel and chop up the butternut squash into bite size chunks (this is a pain, I’m not gonna lie, but it’s worth it)

Spray a glass baking dish, 9×13 with PAM

Put the squash and all ingredients in to the baking dish

Mix well with a spoon

top tightly with foil

Bake @ 350 for 1 hour

Serve with pork and top dish with chopped green onion

 

And as if things couldn’t get any more cozy, well here is a snugly kitty to look at 🙂

 

 

Things I could do without during my job search

Things I could do without during my job search.

Things I could do without during my job search

The economy stinks, and it is clearly an employer’s market. I accept that, what choice do I have? But, there are some things I have come across during my job search that I find completely ridiculous, and I need to expel them from my brain right this instant. I get it, in order to get a job these days you must be able to twirl a fire- baton whilst standing on one foot. You must be able to write code and know how to use every piece of software ever invented to accomplish 1 very important task that actually requires none of it. You must be a self-starter, who also can work as a team player. You must have a degree, plus 3-5 years of experience for that entry-level job that pays just above minimum wage. You must understand that part-time, no benefits is the new black dress. Even more sexy: mysterious part-time contract work, or the ever so sultry unpaid we-are-doing-you-a-huge-favor-by-letting-you-work-for-free- Willy Wonka- golden ticket internship. Yes, I get it. But just because I accept this for what it is doesn’t mean I don’t have a few observations about the dumbassery that is looking for a job right now. And so, here is my list.

1. Please, stop using words or phrases such as “bad ass” or “rockstar” in your ads. This is the cheesy car salesman of job ads, why don’t you just put a graphic in your ad of a douche in a leisure suit, winking and pointing his smoking finger-gun at me? Will I need to consume energy drinks and pixie stix to work at your company? No? Then please, just stop with this.

2. A general overview of a job with a few essential duties and/or knowledge is just fine. I do not expect you to list every single possible minute detail of the job you can fire off on your keyboard while hopped up on Starbucks at 3pm. I get it, really I do. If you really appreciate this kind of detail, shall I list every single thing I have ever done at work on my resume– would you like to know how to keep a dumpster lid from slamming down on you while you heap garbage bags into it in the middle of the night doing a crap cleaning job? I tell you it involves a broom handle and a good bit of momentum… I could elaborate on my skills as a custodial engineer if you think it will help me land [insert position here], oh you don’t think that is relevant, hmmm okay. Step away from the bullet points people.

3. How am I to be “enterprising” whilst maintaining excel spreadsheets, do tell? Let’s be realistic when choosing adjectives, please.

4. Yes, I am willing to relocate. Yes, I realize I live way-the-f**k away from your company. I have done the geography. I know you will not pay to move me. Truly, no need to ask me three times and then tell me you are looking for local candidates only. Might I suggest not putting your ad on a national job board, just a thought.

5. How much do I LOVE uploading a resume and thorough cover letter detailing my education and relevant experience only to be asked to fill out a long-form application regurgitating the same information? And with such stellar, hard-hitting questions like: what was your high school GPA? Well I tell you Sally, recruiter, it makes my fucking day. Anything else I can do to make your life easier or waste my time– I mean I am unemployed so I have plenty of it, am I right?! Perhaps I can wash your car with my tongue, too.

6. Let me be the first to assure you, company X, no one, and I mean no one is trying to steal my applicant information. A simple log on and password to register on your web site, well , okay no problem. But, when the instructions to register on your web site to apply to a job look like this:

*please select a password between 8 and 32 characters

* 10 letters of your password must be in the Latin form

* your password must rhyme with obscure medieval poetry

* you must chant and summon a password from the dark employer God, he is at Starbucks right now, please try back in 8.07654 minutes, no more, no less!

*failure to adhere to these exact specifications will result in us, the company, assuming that you, stupid-ass applicant, cannot follow simple instructions

Now that you have met the goal of password creation you must create 8 security questions in case you lose said password, or in case Bob, the evil application thief, strikes again. We will give you options for your security questions such as:

what was your favorite teddy bear’s name when you were 4?

what were the last four digits of your first boyfriend’s phone number?

what year, and what time was it when you first wore pants?

7. Let’s call a phone-screen what it really is, shall we? 15 minutes for you to make huge snap judgements about me without having to reveal this face: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRKwlstRclXp8ythJgyNzSzQvd-wGa9VVRM1IdCgIdGznIyXsez

8. I accept that if I make a typo in any of my application materials, not only will I not be considered for an interview, but I will be hanged in the town square in front of a crowd of far superior grammatical geniuses.

9. If your ad says something akin to “no whiners” or “someone who gets the job done without complaining” or ” NO DRAMA” I readily assume you are a colossal asshole who has driven every employee you have had to walk out on you because you whine, complain and create drama.

10. Finally, this point is about interviews. If you ask such questions as: what kind of cloud would I be, or spend 10 minutes trying to figure out why I don’t have a smart phone, because, like they are so great, then please, do not be surprised when drool dribbles down from my chin and soils my sweatpants during our interview.

Oh dear, the cable is out

Oh dear, the cable is out.

Oh dear, the cable is out

It is 4:28 am and I am staring at a wall in my living room. There are some pictures there of good times. I can’t even remember the last time I had a good time, or hell a good thought. Maybe it was last night at 3am watching silly mating dances of birds on YouTube. I chuckled, I giggled, and it was a pretty good time. This is my life, 3am YouTube parties, talking to myself and staring at walls. I talk to my cat; she murmurs the kitty equivalent of STFU and go to sleep. My world is consumed with dark and bitter thorns. I feel like throwing the remote control at my cheap, black-streaked television because cable and internet have gone down again for the second time tonight, and how am I supposed to stay numb if I can’t get lost in late night TV, funny memes, or all the rage about the new mini ipad online? Is it maintenance or did they finally shut it off? I was greedily reading tales from the underclass on Gawker.com, and I was relating through my screen—the only friend I know well anymore—I was relating to those poor fools like me. Thank God. Thank God it’s not all smiles, it’s not all credit-card-financed-happiness-bullshit, not all God will save me delusions, not all it-will-be-okay-vomit spewing from yet another person who doesn’t have a clue about what it means to hope and lose, not all oh-good-another-my-life-is-going-places-post from a friend I should be happy for but I just want to trip in the aisle of life. That is bad, but that is what is. I try to stay off Facebook these days so that I don’t catapult myself into traffic because I seem to be the only loser I know. I could go and eat, but I have gained eight pounds in as many months. I checked the job boards for the third time today. Nothing. I have applied to 150 jobs now, nothing. I feel like nothing. I have nothing. Looking forward to nothing. My cat has stopped using her litter box so the most exercise I got today was bending over to pick up poop from the bathroom floor. So close kitty, so close. Maybe I could muster up the energy to take a shower or put on some lip balm. The details slide away. Brushing your hair, fighting against chapped lips, wearing actual clothes you could leave the house in—where does all that go? Caring. Where does that go? The cable is back on, whew. Maybe the cable company thinks this is an opportune time for maintenance, because who is up at this hour? Only the hopeless, Comcast.

Greeky Goodness in a Bowl

Easy dessert that is a bit like a trifle. Nothin’ fancy, just quick and inexpensive.

What you need:

1 Sara Lee frozen pound cake

1 container of  honey vanilla greek yogurt ( I like Greek Gods brand)

1 bag of frozen black berries or fruit of choice ( I would stick with some kind of berry though)

Honey

How to:

slice one piece of pound cake, still frozen is good- I don’t warm mine because I like everything in this dish to be cold

cut pound cake into bite size chunks

spoon yogurt into a bowl ( I use about 1/2 cup)

add your pound cake chunks

add your fruit

drizzle with honey

So good.

 

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