Pining For… Substance

Delightfully Maladjusted

Things I could do without during my job search

The economy stinks, and it is clearly an employer’s market. I accept that, what choice do I have? But, there are some things I have come across during my job search that I find completely ridiculous, and I need to expel them from my brain right this instant. I get it, in order to get a job these days you must be able to twirl a fire- baton whilst standing on one foot. You must be able to write code and know how to use every piece of software ever invented to accomplish 1 very important task that actually requires none of it. You must be a self-starter, who also can work as a team player. You must have a degree, plus 3-5 years of experience for that entry-level job that pays just above minimum wage. You must understand that part-time, no benefits is the new black dress. Even more sexy: mysterious part-time contract work, or the ever so sultry unpaid we-are-doing-you-a-huge-favor-by-letting-you-work-for-free- Willy Wonka- golden ticket internship. Yes, I get it. But just because I accept this for what it is doesn’t mean I don’t have a few observations about the dumbassery that is looking for a job right now. And so, here is my list.

1. Please, stop using words or phrases such as “bad ass” or “rockstar” in your ads. This is the cheesy car salesman of job ads, why don’t you just put a graphic in your ad of a douche in a leisure suit, winking and pointing his smoking finger-gun at me? Will I need to consume energy drinks and pixie stix to work at your company? No? Then please, just stop with this.

2. A general overview of a job with a few essential duties and/or knowledge is just fine. I do not expect you to list every single possible minute detail of the job you can fire off on your keyboard while hopped up on Starbucks at 3pm. I get it, really I do. If you really appreciate this kind of detail, shall I list every single thing I have ever done at work on my resume– would you like to know how to keep a dumpster lid from slamming down on you while you heap garbage bags into it in the middle of the night doing a crap cleaning job? I tell you it involves a broom handle and a good bit of momentum… I could elaborate on my skills as a custodial engineer if you think it will help me land [insert position here], oh you don’t think that is relevant, hmmm okay. Step away from the bullet points people.

3. How am I to be “enterprising” whilst maintaining excel spreadsheets, do tell? Let’s be realistic when choosing adjectives, please.

4. Yes, I am willing to relocate. Yes, I realize I live way-the-f**k away from your company. I have done the geography. I know you will not pay to move me. Truly, no need to ask me three times and then tell me you are looking for local candidates only. Might I suggest not putting your ad on a national job board, just a thought.

5. How much do I LOVE uploading a resume and thorough cover letter detailing my education and relevant experience only to be asked to fill out a long-form application regurgitating the same information? And with such stellar, hard-hitting questions like: what was your high school GPA? Well I tell you Sally, recruiter, it makes my fucking day. Anything else I can do to make your life easier or waste my time– I mean I am unemployed so I have plenty of it, am I right?! Perhaps I can wash your car with my tongue, too.

6. Let me be the first to assure you, company X, no one, and I mean no one is trying to steal my applicant information. A simple log on and password to register on your web site, well , okay no problem. But, when the instructions to register on your web site to apply to a job look like this:

*please select a password between 8 and 32 characters

* 10 letters of your password must be in the Latin form

* your password must rhyme with obscure medieval poetry

* you must chant and summon a password from the dark employer God, he is at Starbucks right now, please try back in 8.07654 minutes, no more, no less!

*failure to adhere to these exact specifications will result in us, the company, assuming that you, stupid-ass applicant, cannot follow simple instructions

Now that you have met the goal of password creation you must create 8 security questions in case you lose said password, or in case Bob, the evil application thief, strikes again. We will give you options for your security questions such as:

what was your favorite teddy bear’s name when you were 4?

what were the last four digits of your first boyfriend’s phone number?

what year, and what time was it when you first wore pants?

7. Let’s call a phone-screen what it really is, shall we? 15 minutes for you to make huge snap judgements about me without having to reveal this face:

8. I accept that if I make a typo in any of my application materials, not only will I not be considered for an interview, but I will be hanged in the town square in front of a crowd of far superior grammatical geniuses.

9. If your ad says something akin to “no whiners” or “someone who gets the job done without complaining” or ” NO DRAMA” I readily assume you are a colossal asshole who has driven every employee you have had to walk out on you because you whine, complain and create drama.

10. Finally, this point is about interviews. If you ask such questions as: what kind of cloud would I be, or spend 10 minutes trying to figure out why I don’t have a smart phone, because, like they are so great, then please, do not be surprised when drool dribbles down from my chin and soils my sweatpants during our interview.


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